That's So Canadian Item #6: The War of 1812

If you are reading this and you are Canadian (particularly from Ontario), you know exactly what I mean. If you are American, you are probably wondering a) which war that was, or b) what does that even have to do with Canada?

Don’t worry – I had the exact same thoughts.

The War of 1812 (I believe also known as the French-Indian War) was a battle over northern borders between the newly-formed US and Britain.

[Both sides created military fortifications, which can still be found by dedicated history buffs, on the banks of Lake Ontario. In fact, these forts exist today both in Ontario and New York, a fact little known to those of us not born/raised in Buffalo.]

In any case, did I mention that it was the BRITISH, because Canada was still part of BRITAIN?

My first encounter with the War of 1812 since arriving in Canada was when a coworker sent out a link to some maps provided by Brock University. I shot back with a “what is a brock” email. To which he replied with an encyclopedic account of the victories of General Brock in the war of 1812, and how Canadians list him as the 27th most important historic figure. Did I know that the Canadians burned down the White House?

Since that time, the War of 1812 continues to come up, not simply because of our work in Niagara on the Lake (site of Fort York and other such War of 1812 things). Every time I mention the lack of military/aggressive initiative in Canada, someone shouts out – “War of 1812! We burned down your White House!” And always that complete phrase. Never just, War of 1812. Every time it must include the assertion about the White House. And I must admit, for the first month or so that was kind of an argument ender for me. I mean, how can you come back from that? I can’t even counter that in the US, we learn of this conflict as the French-Indian Wars, because those were the main forces in conflict. I can’t even bring up that our national anthem was inspired by the Battle of New Orleans, the deciding battle of the war. What did the Canadians even “win,” anyway, other than keeping American forces out….? Nothing I would say could have any weight.

UNTIL

A fateful conversation I had with a coworker of mine. We were talking about a coffee mug in the kitchen, the Bytown Chowder and Drum Corps. I remarked how cute it was that it was a Chowder Corps, and this coworker informed me that “Bytown” town is actually Ottawa, his hometown. Did I know why the capital of Canada is in Ottawa, he asked. Actually, I don’t, I admitted. Well, it used to be in Toronto (that’s why we have a big parliamentary hall downtown) but you guys kept coming up here and burning it down. We moved it to Ottawa so that you would leave us alone.

AHA.

SOOOOO. The Canadian capital city is Ottawa, because the Americans burned them out of Toronto. At least we held our ground, Canada. We didn’t go running to move our capital to Florida. I hope you enjoy Ottawa, with its proximity to Quebec and it’s 100 days of sub-zero weather. Now that I have this ace in the hole, I’m willing to entertain your quaint retellings of how Canadian Forces (that’s what they call their army) beat the US in the War of 1812, even though it was actually Britain. And “beat” means “didn’t get crushed by.” I’ll just quietly ask why your capital is in Ottawa, and you’ll have no good answer defense. You just keep talking about the War of 1812. That’s SOOO Canadian.

____________

For more information on this, start with wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_Brock
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_of_1812

That's So Canadian Item #5: Wild Turkey News Items

Ok.

So I was just watching the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Company, for those of you who don't parlé), specifically the national news. As expected, it is called CBC The National (see: That's So Canadian Item #1: Endearing Earnesty). While I have a high degree of respect for Canadian journalism in general (Peter Jennings), I managed to catch only the final story tonight. The final ten minutes of the national broadcast (The National broadcast) was dedicated to a story about a wild turkey flying through the front window of a suburban Ottawa home. This is a very dangerous threat to Canadians everywhere, given how many citizens live in wild turkey country.

Now, granted, our national news is not above such things. I know the US news reports on bears falling out of trees, cats finding their ways home, and other such frivolities, but never before have I seen such in-depth coverage of a single-family-wild-animal-encounter that didn't involve death.

Apparently the incident was incited by a beautiful turkey-hen (is that what you call females?) that was hanging around in the back yard. The offending Tom was intrigued, but when he caught his reflection in the window he made a dive straight for the pane glass. The family describes the "explosion and ensuing bedlam" with wide eyes (except for the wordless teenage son) as they relate how they finally captured the turkey -

"we got him pinned under that snow scraper, and my neighbour grabbed a big net he had, I think a salmon net, and wrapped him up. We set him out in the yard, and then he just walked away."

And thus was the turkey incedent ended, but not before the house was sent into turmoil, with fuurniture upturned, shattered glass everywhere, "and even turkey blood on the walls."

"The neighbour, an experienced turkey hunter, says the tom was probably just jealous."

But seriously. They cornered him under the snow scraper? Who has a salmon net just lying around? The neighbour is conveniently an experienced turkey hunter? Now they have turkey blood smeared all over their walls?

Oh, jealous turkey bedlam on national news. That's Sooooo Canadian.

“That’s So Canadian” – Inaugural Installment

Welcome to another great series within the LOLcat blog – “That’s So Canadian”! This is a series where I point out and describe subtle things that make Canada different from the US. And are totally adorable. Here we go!

That’s So Canadian item #4: Kraft Dinner

[note: we’re beginning at four because I’m sure I’ve already condescended to at least three other adorable Canadian things…]

Kraft Dinner is a Canadian phenomenon first introduced to me within a conversation about being an impoverished student. While discussing survival techniques, someone casually mentioned “eating only Kraft Dinner” for six months, to which everyone else nodded knowingly. I said nothing, and filed it away in the “I wonder what the hell they’re talking about” file.

The next night I was watching TV and I saw a commercial for the following product:






That is correct, “Kraft Dinner” is f#*#ing Macaroni and Cheese.

I brought this up the following day at work.

“So, Kraft Dinner, that’s mac and cheese, right?”
“Mac and cheese? What’s mac?”
“Macaroni”
“Oh, yeah, it’s pasta and cheese” [please pronounce the word “paah-sta”]
“So it’s mac and cheese”
“It’s Kraft Dinner.”
“But it’s mac and cheese.”
“It’s Kraft Dinner.”

It’s Kraft Dinner. That’s Sooooooo Canadian.

Orange Pekoe and other things Canadian

Last Thursday I was in the office kitchen when I had what you might call a minor crisis: we were out of Earl Gray. Normally I might have a cup of coffee, but I had already had four coffees that day. That was out of the question. And any other type of tea was unthinkable, too. Apparently tea is only for those who desire a lack of caffeine. There was, however, a suspicious preponderance of orange pekoe. Having grown up on the West Coast, this is a relatively unfamiliar flavour. We have green tea, lots of black tea, and even some very good red tea, but this orange pekoe business just doesn’t make sense.

I tried to explain my despondence at the lack of acceptable caffeination, but received no sympathy from my coworkers. “Why don’t you drink the pekoe,” they said. “What’s wrong with fruit tea?”

What is wrong with fruit tea?!?!?!?

First of all, orange pekoe isn’t really fruit tea. It’s black tea, with some sort of orange “essence.” If I wanted something fruity, I would drink something fruity. Ew. Second, it’s just not very delicious. And yet somehow the Canadians are all about it. Perhaps it’s their subtle reaction against the British – no Lipton for us. We’re drinking orange pekoe.
Perhaps it is their lack of appreciation for good coffee. Granted, I have met many people here who love good coffee. But the majority of Average Canadians love the Tim Hortons. The way they explain this to me is, “It’s good – it’s just like Dunkin’ Donuts.” I don’t know how many things are wrong with this statement Maybe, however, they just like it. Who knows. Maybe it’s similar to the American affinity for peanut butter. It’s funny how tastes can be so linked to culture. In any case, it is a ritual in which I still refuse to participate.

Rather than succumb to the pekoe-hype, I spent a solid twenty minutes trying to discover a different kind of caffeinated tea. I found lemon zest, apple-cranberry, peppermint, spearmint, cozy comfort (who drinks that at work?), chamomile, and barrels of orange pekoe. But not a drop of the Earl to be found. On this day, I went without the afternoon tea, but it was not without a lesson. First, I’ve learned to bring my own tea to the office, so as to guarantee caffeination. Second, I discovered through my various conversations surrounding this tea that Canadians think Americans are brutes, and that we are intolerant of tea-sipping. This is clearly not true. We just prefer to throw our tea into the ocean to make a point. Take that, Canada.

Project Runway Canada, Week 5

It was another exciting and eventful Tuesday night, and if you weren’t there we missed you! I almost thought I was going to watch alone, but fortunately the regulars pulled through at the last minute. There was some kind of pizza crisis that Eric Gallant had to tend to. It’s understandable – it happens to all of us sometimes. Some of the highlights!:

1) The challenge was to create a new fresh look for a divorcee using her wedding dress. Not only did this create the hilarious situation of these “size 0 designers” having to make something for a real person, but they also had to use wedding dress materials. Very challenging, indeed.

2) The winner was again Sonny. He’s “the man to beat,” and really the only one with any kind of skill, let alone imagination. He took the white satin of the dress and made a smart looking skirt suit with an awesome maroon belt. It rocked, and he knew it. Everyone now hates him.

3) The losing outfit was in fact not the worst, but the guy is boring so he had to go home. The dress he had to work with was a brilliant purple sari, with so much potential to be cool, but he made a horrible wrap dress with flowers and crap all over it that just accentuated all of the lady’s worst features (really, who wants something that makes your tummy and butt stick out. Obviously he has never designed for a non-model).

4) The best part about this losing outfit was the judges commentary: one of them actually said, “Who’s sari now?”

5) The lady who SHOULD have gone home made something that was not a dress nor an outfit but actually looked like a potato sack with sleeve holes cut out and grandma lace around the shoulders. And THEN, just for some “style,” a bit of transparent blue crap in the triangles dripping off the bottom hem. When they upload photos to the website I’ll definitely spread it around.

6) This woman who designed this horrible thing that wasn’t anywhere close to being fashion or even a garment got to stay because she called out one of the other designers on “not changing the dress enough.” She actually interrupted the judges to tell them that this other guy had simply hemmed the wedding dress (which was a piece of work – it made Eric shudder every time they showed the photo) and then started yelling at the guy once she got backstage. She is good television. She gets to stay.

7) I discovered that my idea of “Canadian bacon” is a lie. Canadians simply call the ham on pizza “ham.” I always wondered why a Hawaiian pizza would have Canadian bacon on it…

8) Loyalties were tested when Eric claimed that Vernor’s (an American product) is a better ginger ale than Canada dry. While all agreed the Vernor’s had a strong, fruity mouth and a delicate nose, Margaret stood firm in her commitment to Canada Dry as the Champagne of Ginger Ales. Predictably, I was torn.

9) The actual champagne was quite good, pink bubbly from Australia, courtesy of Jonah.

In short, a good time had by all, once again. When the images are up from last night’s runway show, I’ll send the before and after photos around so Eric can freak out about it some more.

Find the images from last night's Project Runway here:

http://runway.globaltv.com/gallery/gallery.aspx?categoryid=7652772272230875301

Wish they had regular images instead of the flash movie, but I guess we have to take what we can get.

Enjoy!

Project Runway Canada, Week 4

Last night’s Project Runway had another record turnout, with representatives from both the work and non-work crowd. And TWO Erics. The show itself was once again a wash, with mediocre design across the board, but there were some highlights:

1) We learned a new word from Jonah: “Comparagraph” Apparently it’s the description he gets of tv shows in competing time slots. I’m going to use it in the future.

2) The challenge for the runway show was to create couture from recycled clothing, in groups, inspired by major fashion houses. The three groups chose Valentino, Versace, and Yves Saint Lauren. Sonny won (again) but not before finding a crotch stain on the bridesmaid dress he used for the fabric. Eeww.

3) There was a major surprise guest! The major surprise guest was Iman, who hosts the show. Good job, producers. But that did let her tell the designers that she was “honored to have been the muse for at least one of YSL’s lines” and he “literally CUT THE FABRIC on my body.” I bet you can imagine how disappointed she was when the YSL team made crappy clothes…

4) During commercials, we caught Margaret up on the youtube sensations that are the Christian Bale freakout, the little boy after the dentist, and the mash-up of the two cultural memes. It was hysterical. Eric Gallant said he laughed so hard he was drooling, not unlike Turner and Hooch. Or more just like Hooch. Not so much Turner.

5) The whiny guy got sent home (which whiny guy? The tall one) after preempting his defense of his garment by telling the judges (without being asked) that he had never heard of Yves Saint Lauren. I’m not even pretending to be a fashion designer and I know a little bit about that. It would be like saying you’ve never heard of Frank Lloyd Wright. You just don’t say that.

6) Next week the designers will be building garments for divorcees out of their wedding dresses. It’s always amusing when they have to make clothes for normal sized people…

That’s the long and short of this week. Put it on your calendar for next week – it’s guaranteed fun!!!

Project Runway Canada, Week 3 (skip one)

Last night was another exciting installment of everyone’s favourite Canadian fashion design reality show! It was a record turn-out – 5 in all, counting myself, Margaret, Jonah, Rei, and Eric Gallant. Among the highlights:

1) The challenge was to create two looks (in teams of two) that expressed the color palettes for Loreal’s spring collection. Such a challenge.

2) Sonny (everyone’s favourite mohawked designer) won with a layered dress of pink chiffon and green tulle.

3) The head-band-t-shirt girls went home. But not before crying about everything.

4) The mentor Bryan told the crying girl to “think positively, walk with resolve, and RISE LIKE THE PHOENIX!!!!”. I’m going to use that one at my next project meeting.

5) We watched The Hour and made fun of/admired George Snuffalufogus and the one million acts of green. I turned off the lights in the other room in order to do my part.

6) While we were all gathered around my computer looking at a website that will revolutionize the internet as we know it (www.cornify.com) my mom called on skype and we all talked to her. It was a wonderful moment. She also scolded us all for being up so late on a work night.

That’s all of the most memorable moments from the night. Anyone have any additions?

Join us next Tuesday and help add to the list!!!!